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Life in Crazytown

Crazytown.  That’s where I live.  Where else could any of this stuff happen?  We have apparently been wrong about so much.  Is it wrong to allow a Christian student to pray while he is in school, or a government official to mention God, or for any government money to be allowed to support any Christian or Jewish activity because any of these things violate this thing I have yet to find in the constitution called “separation of church and state?”  Apparently so?  Is it wrong to use TAXPAYER money to buy foot washing stations for muslim cab drivers who say it’s part of their religious duty to wash their feet, or to fund muslim education institutions which we later find out are teaching hate towards Americans?  Apparently not.  Is it wrong to question why those who claim to be “peaceful, moderate muslims” are not/will not stand up against the supposed radicals who are hijacking their religion and  trying to kill us?  That would be hateful and insensitive.  When people who hold an ideology (the “religion of peace”) that seeks the destruction of America fly planes into our buildings and kill 3,000 people, are we supposed to seek out and eliminate those who profess their hatred for us and vow to kill us all?  Apparently not.  I’m told that we just need to be more understanding and empathetic towards them so they will like us more, quit beheading our people, quit flying planes into our buildings, and quit seeking to inflict unimaginable pain, suffering, and death upon us.  When a gun is used in a violent crime, are we supposed to punish the criminal who used the gun?  Apparently not.  Apparently we’re supposed to punish the gun.    Wow!  Was I ever misinformed.  Seems we all have some learning to do if we are to be sufficiently reeducated to receive our Crazytown diplomas.  I suggest the following measures to bring us more into line with what makes sense in Crazytown:

  • Ban spoons for making people fat.
  • Ban cars for killing people in drunk driving accidents.
  • Ban concrete for making it hurt more when I fall down.
  • Ban electricity for killing people who stick their fingers in light sockets.
  • Ban breathing because carbon dioxide heats up the planet, or so I’m told.
  • Ban breathing because when the planet’s not heating up, it’s experiencing record cold caused by carbon dioxide, so I’m told.
  • Ban happiness because that leads to parties, which lead to alcohol consumption, which leads to drunk driving in cars that should be banned, which leads to people being killed, which causes sadness, which leads to more alcohol consumption and other health problems.  Happiness is evil.
  • Ban success because without it failure is meaningless.
  • Ban wealth and money because they cause spending, and overspending, and debt.
  • Or the one that would solve every problem…
  • Just ban LIFE because it causes old age and death.  If you’re not born, you can never die, and you won’t cost our government run health care system one penny.

Who are the leaders of Crazytown?  The mayor is a guy who thinks he’s God named Obama or something.  We’re not sure where he comes from, and he won’t tell us.  You’ll never see him speak without a teleprompter to tell him what to say.  Does God need a teleprompter?  The city council is composed of several blue-sky deniers lead by self proclaimed Princess, Nancy Pelosi, and the court jester, Harry Reid.  They try their hardest to correct our many misunderstandings about life.  They show us how a good economy is bad if a Republican is the president, and how bad economy is good if a Democrat is president.  They show us that it is right to allow a woman to kill her baby because having it would keep her home from the party, or at least make her pay a baby sitter.  They show us that being an empty headed fool spouting ideas held by less than 1% of the population and not backed up with any facts is freedom of speech, but countering those ideas with facts in a civil tone is hate speech.  I used to think that spending more money was not how you got out of debt.  I thank the government of Crazytown for correcting my wrong thinking.  A guy that I used to think was the greatest president ever, until comrades Pelosi, Reid, Obama, and the rest of the Crazytown leadership reeducated me, once said that some people “…aren’t liars.  They just know so much that isn’t so.”


49 Million to Five

Posted 06/03/2009 ET
Updated 06/03/2009 ET
In the wake of the shooting of late-term abortionist George Tiller, President Barack Obama sent out a welcome message that this nation would not tolerate attacks on pro-lifers or any other Americans because of their religion or beliefs. 

Ha ha! Just kidding. That was the lead sentence — with minor edits — of a New York Times editorial warning about theoretical hate crimes against Muslims published eight months after 9/11. Can pro-lifers get a hate crimes bill passed and oceans of ink devoted to assuring Americans that “most pro-lifers are peaceful”?

For years, we’ve had to hear about the grave threat that Americans might overreact to a terrorist attack committed by 19 Muslims shouting “Allahu akbar” as they flew commercial jets into American skyscrapers. That would be the equivalent of 19 pro-lifers shouting “Abortion kills a beating heart!” as they gunned down thousands of innocent citizens in Wichita, Kan.

Why aren’t liberals rushing to assure us this time that “most pro-lifers are peaceful”? Unlike Muslims, pro-lifers actually are peaceful.

According to recent polling, a majority of Americans oppose abortion — which is consistent with liberals’ hysterical refusal to allow us to vote on the subject. In a country with approximately 150 million pro-lifers, five abortionists have been killed since Roe v. Wade.

In that same 36 years, more than 49 million babies have been killed by abortionists. Let’s recap that halftime score, sports fans: 49 million to five.

Meanwhile, fewer than 2 million Muslims live in America and, while Muslims are less murderous than abortionists, I’m fairly certain they’ve killed more than five people in the United States in the last 36 years. For some reason, the number “3,000” keeps popping into my head.

So in a country that is more than 50 percent pro-life — and 80 percent opposed to the late-term abortions of the sort performed by Tiller — only five abortionists have been killed. And in a country that is less than 0.5 percent Muslim, several dozen Muslims have killed thousands of Americans.

But the killing of about one abortionist per decade leads liberals to condemn the entire pro-life movement as “domestic terrorists.” At least liberals have finally found some terrorists they’d like to send to Guantanamo.

Tiller bragged about performing 60,000 abortions, including abortions of viable babies, able to survive outside the mother’s womb. He made millions of dollars performing late-term abortions so gruesome that only two other abortionists — not a squeamish bunch — in the entire country would perform them.

Kansas law allows late-term abortions only to save the mother’s life or to prevent “irreversible physical damage” to the mother. But Tiller was more than happy to kill viable babies, provided the mothers: (1) forked over $5,000; and (2) mentioned “substantial and irreversible conditions,” which, in Tiller’s view, apparently included not being able to go to concerts or rodeos or being “temporarily depressed” on account of their pregnancies.

In return for blood money from Tiller’s profitable abattoir, Democrats ran a political protection racket for the late-term abortionist.

In 1997, The Washington Post reported that Tiller attended one of Bill Clinton’s White House coffees for major campaign contributors. In addition to a $25,000 donation to Clinton, Tiller wanted to thank him personally for 30 months of U.S. Marshals’ protection paid for by the U.S. taxpayer.

Kansas Democrats who received hundreds of thousands of campaign dollars from Tiller repeatedly intervened to block any interference with Tiller’s abortion mill.

Kathleen Sebelius, who was the governor of Kansas until Obama made her Health and Human Services Secretary, received hundreds of thousands of campaign dollars from Tiller. Sebelius vetoed one bill restricting late-term abortions and another one that would have required Tiller to turn over his records pertaining to “substantial and irreversible conditions” justifying his late-term abortions.

Kansas Attorney General Paul Morrison also got elected with the help of Tiller’s blood money, replacing a Republican attorney general who was in the middle of an investigation of Tiller for various crimes including his failure to report statutory rapes, despite performing abortions on pregnant girls as young as 11.

But soon after Morrison replaced the Republican attorney general, the charges against Tiller were reduced and, in short order, he was acquitted of a few misdemeanors. In what is a not uncommon cost of doing business with Democrats, Morrison is now gone, having been forced to resign when his mistress charged him with sexual harassment and corruption.

Tiller was protected not only by a praetorian guard of elected Democrats, but also by the protective coloration of the Evangelical Lutheran Church in America — coincidentally, the same church belonged to by Tiller’s fellow Wichita executioner, the BTK killer.

The official Web page of the ELCA instructs: “A developing life in the womb does not have an absolute right to be born.” As long as we’re deciding who does and doesn’t have an “absolute right to be born,” who’s to say late-term abortionists have an “absolute right” to live?

I wouldn’t kill an abortionist myself, but I wouldn’t want to impose my moral values on others. No one is for shooting abortionists. But how will criminalizing men making difficult, often tragic, decisions be an effective means of achieving the goal of reducing the shootings of abortionists?

Following the moral precepts of liberals, I believe the correct position is: If you don’t believe in shooting abortionists, then don’t shoot one.

Ann Coulter is Legal Affairs Correspondent for HUMAN EVENTS and author of “High Crimes and Misdemeanors,” “Slander,” ““How to Talk to a Liberal (If You Must),” “Godless,” “If Democrats Had Any Brains, They’d Be Republicans” and most recently, Guilty: Liberal “Victims” and their Assault on America.

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